PAO is on like donkey kong.

 
  My first ever painting with oils (or painting whatsoever).  I've never been a person who draws, or paints, but now that I'm faced with a major surgery - and my own mortality I've realized life's too short not to try these things never tried.

  I had a bit of a breakdown on Thursday.  Had an MRI of my right hip on Monday, which I have to tell you isn't hip dysplasia friendly - (taping your feet together and lying with your legs flat for 45 minutes).  My appointment with Dr. Shonnard wasn't for another two weeks, but since I was stressing - my appointment was to tell me whether I'd need a PAO or a scope, I called the office and they managed to fit me in three days later.  How amazing is that?  Yay for understanding doctors.

 I tried to will the end result into being a scope.  All of my energy was put into this.  So when my doctor said that I need a PAO, and he won't do a scope, I had a bit of a breakdown.  Started crying in the office and everything, which is huge for me, since I rarely cry by myself, and never cry in front of other people.  I also told him I need to wait until January '13 for the surgery, since that's when my short term disability kicks in, and he said that he didn't think I'd make it that long.  He may be right.  So much of my life happiness revolves around being active and running around - hiking, exploring, trying new sports and things.  It's been really hard these past few months with all of the pain and loss of range of motion.  My job is so physically demanding that it takes all I have right now physically, and after work I'm so sore and in so much pain I'm pretty useless.  And if I can only swim and bike, not even use a treadmill or elliptical, that means I can't even hike right?  How can I get through eleven months of that?

  It's also hard working in the operating room and finding out you need a major surgery.  I see what goes on back there.  I've sloshed around in blood on the floors or wiped blood off the ceiling from surgery.  I've smelt the smell of bovie-burned flesh and assisted in holding limbs while saws are taken to bones.  I know what's said and how exposed you are.  It makes this whole process so much harder working in an operating room.

  I manage stress by excessive planning, and I suppose there are worse ways to respond to stress.  So I've made a  new budget, started to plan what needs to be done before surgery (where I'm going to stay, moving into a downstairs apartment, etc.)  and have been doing research on strength training.  I'm trying to get out of this sad-funk I've been in these past few months and focus on being positive.  That's a work in progress.

  I need some foster kittens to lift my spirits, hopefully foster kitten business will be picking up soon at the local humane society.

Today is a new day

Today

You give me hope
In a peace I've never known
To know, and I find
The once emptiness in life
Has been made whole by you,
And the home I find in you.

 

  I feel like I've been encased in ice the past few months, and this past week something, externally or internally - (I can't tell) has begun to melt my darkness.  I can’t guarantee that I’m not going to spend some days accomplishing nothing, or that I still don’t get a little stressed out when my hip starts to hurt, but today I feel like I can conquer anything.  Like I'm capable of anything.  Today is beautiful, and there will never be another day like it, so cherish it! 
  My boyfriend and I were walking out of a restaurant and I stopped him and yelled, "look at the moon!  It's so beautiful!" and he said to me, "you act like such a child sometimes", not in a mean way, in an appreciative for the way you appreciate things kind of way, and I feel a renewed hope that the old me is still inside of me somewhere, itching to come out.  The happy me.  The perpetually grateful to be alive me.  I've really been missing that me lately.

Dark Poetic Ramblings - You can tell I've had a bad day

Operating Room Bed

So much I've seen,
In these dark days,
So  many bodies upon me,
Open for display,
To greedy hemostats,
And surgeon's hands...
Leaving a permanent mark,
On these old pads, and wheels.
And every time I'm unlocked,
I long to move,
To a room
Outside of the OR.

__________________________________________________________________

Depression

Countless days drifting in a fog
When I'm not working I never see the sun
Desperate to be left alone by those I love
Filled with hopeless thoughts of my future when once
Each day held it's own beautiful experience
Loved ones around gave me fulfillment
My job was rewarding, I was lucky for good health
Part of the eternal sunny Clair was destroyed by herself
What's left in me now, an empty shell
Not good enough to be your girlfiriend
It's like I'm under the spell
Of my own despair
And as much as I wish I could escape
My current dark reality
The path has remained closed off to me
Most likely by my own doing.

__________________________________________________________________

Sunshine

Darkness is a pleasant companion
Always around when you're alone, in need of something
A void you've been unable to fill
And unlike people, who tend to be unreliable
Flighty when need dictates absence
Darkness will always be right there, at your side
When the light grows wary
Of accompanying the sun
To brighter days.

Claire being dark and twisty, and me in a nutshell

  This is my first ever attempt at blogging, so beware!
  How can December be the darkest month of the year?  How can forced holiday cheer, with all of the readily available baked goods, and family time make this the saddest time of the year for me?  I'm broke, which is my own fault - unfortunately one of the many life skills I learned while roughing it growing up was definetly not finances, but it's more than that.  My brother flaked out on Thanksgiving.  My mother can't stop crying, which is understandable, since her brother committed suicide this month years ago, her father's (who passed away from lung cancer last year) birthday is this month, and my great grandmother, one of the ten people on earth who I care deeply for, (if she was still on it) well her birthday is two days after Christmas.
  When I feel all dark - n - twisty, I don't even know how to walk outside during the daylight.  I have quite a fantastic happy girl facade that gets me through the work day, but all of the forced fakeness exhausts me, leaving me incapable of anything more for the rest of the week.  I told my boyfriend that I don't know how to be the girlfriend he needs me to be, which is true.  Right now, I can't be who I need me to be, how can I be there for him? 
  I just started working in the operating room as a nurse about six months ago.  I've been a nurse now for about two and a half years.  The job is incredibly challenging, on both my body and my mind.  Pushing gurney's, moving patients, getting down on the floor every few minutes to move things, in just six months has taken it's toll. 
  I used to limp when I got out of the car off and on, for well.. about five years now.  But since I've been working in the operating room I've started having pain in my right hip about 80% of the time, a pain that never goes away.  I asked an orthopedic surgeon while I was at work, who looked at my xrays, and evidently I have hip dysplasia.  What do you do for hip dysplasia you may ask?  If you're an adult, you get a surgery, called a peri-acetabular osteotomy.  Which isn't so bad.  Your hip socked is only sawed from your pelvis, repositioned correctly over your femoral head, then held in place with screws.  I would be walker bound / wheelchair bound, for probably 8 weeks, and unable to work a normal job for about three months.  I am being sarcastic here when I say it isn't so bad.  I work at a job where people complain about nurses who limp, and where if you go over your 12 weeks of allotted FMLA time in a year you're canned.
  Not to mention the whole operating room dynamic that exists.  For some reason neurosis, as well as rudeness, is tolerated and questionably encouraged in this environment.  Want to hear one of the first pieces of advice I got when I started working in the operating room?  "Don't be too nice".  What kind of environment ever admonishes a NURSE to not be too nice?!  Why am I, an inexcusable nice nurse - girl, working in an environment that encourages rudeness?  I find it emotionally exhausting.  I've taken up to cursing frequently at work, like a sailor, which I've NEVER done in my life.  I'm not sure why, but the environment does something to you.  Something I worry I may not be able to undo.  And the problem is, I signed a contract, so I'm in this environment for a while.
  So, like everyone else in the world, I'm stressed out.  Life is confusing, and complicated.  But I have a foster kitten sitting on my chest, that purrs every time I kiss it, so I guess that's something.  Because man, I do love me some foster kittens.
  Some other information about me:  I started being a Pescetarian about 4 months ago.  (This is pretty much a vegetarian but I eat fish).  To be honest I just stopped eating meat one day, because it felt like standing up for animal rights but continuing to eat meat was causing me some soul discomfort.  You can take Pescetarian, Vegetarian, or Vegan to their own levels, but for me I just stopped eating foods where animals had to die to be made (meat, gelatin, etc.)  I feel lighter (I'm not lighter, weight-wise, but my soul is happier) and I've been very happy with this new change of diet.
  When I turned 25 I had this, mid-twenties crisis where I had to stop and wonder: what am I doing with my life?  How am I making the world a better place?  (Aside from being a nurse, which is extremely awarding)  So I became a member of the humane society, and started taking in foster kittens.  It's been pretty crazy and stressful, and it takes up hours of most of my days, but I find it to be extremely rewarding.  I've had small litters pretty much nonstop since May.
  Well, I have much more to say but I'll save it for another time.   While I've been having difficulty with it lately, I usually find the world a beautiful place full of experiences to be had.  I hope today leads you to a beautiful experience.